Evangelion! From the Files of NERV Squad
by Kaworu Naha ga bisa
Summary: Evangelion, directed by Zucker brothers? Gainax, what have you done? Warning: High OOC contents. Rebuild continuity. Contains recycled jokes from spoof movies, particularly Airplane! and Naked Gun movies.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I just noticed that virtually every parody of Evangelion always have this formula: Shinji and Asuka as the straight man and woman, maybe with Ritsuko and Fuyutsuki or Toji and Kensuke, with everyone else coming out as lunatics in the most insane world possible. Rei as the deadpan snarker or no social skill girl, Gendo as pure lunatic, incredibly incompetent commander of NERV, or just doing ridiculous, unexpected things like playing DOA games with Fuyutsuki, Misato as supreme drunkard etc.

But what if everybody acts like everything's normal when the whole thing isn't? What if only one person who acts like the only survivor of the most secluded loony pin from Pakistan, even though everything's more bizzare than said place?

There was a movie like that before. It's called Airplane and Naked Gun. And god, it's glorious.

So here we are, reading the attempt to make the super serious Evangelion silly like the other parodies. Only with the cast acting like they're in a serious situation, just like Airplane. Well...except for Johnny. Or Maya, in this case.

Oh, and this shit's based on Rebuild 1.11. In the case of the parody, the gags on the angel battles will be based mostly on Airplane, while the cast's daily life will be based mostly on Naked Gun.

Characters:

Shinji: Ted from Airplane!. Like Ted, his angst made people want to burn, shoot, and maimed themselves just to make it stop...and he also has drinking problem. He's basically Ted from Airplane with inspired antics from Nielsen's other characters.

Rei: Elaine from Airplane! and Nordberg from Naked Gun. Yes. She's the resident's source of slapstick and Shinji's love interest at the same time. Bizzare, isn't it? She's a bit cold than Elaine so she still acts a bit like the Rei we know, but she's still much sweeter initially. I initially want to make Asuka as slightly bitchier Elaine so i can make AsukaXShinji story, but i realized that it would not make sense to have Asuka in the beginning, and i also realized that Elaine is a bit like Rei (both blindly follow the authority before the truth sink in...although it's very late in Rei's case.). Anyway, i already had Commando Asuka in my mind, so here you go.

Misato: McCroskey from Airplane! and shared her role with Ritsuko as Dr. Rumack (Leslie Nielsen, yaay!), as well as shared Rex Cramer from Airplane with Gendo (the car scene only).

Ritsuko: Shared her role with Misato as Dr. Rumack and also played Mayor Barkley from Naked Gun. The only human being who (sometimes) embarassed from the whole shenanigans...even though she's weird in other senses. That is, her inner mind.

Gendo: Rex Cramer from Airplane! and sometimes Captain Hocken (the bald, reasonable boss) from Naked Gun, and sometimes the cruel guys like the interviewee from Airplane who said: I said, let them crash! Yes. He's bipolar in this one. Because of his hands.

Bridge Bunnies: The pilots, with Maya as Johnny, the only character who legitly insane, and ironically, because of the whole thing's insanity, she become the only character who know the fact that the whole thing is comedy...although Gendo maybe a lunatic too, but in different kind of lunatic.

Where's Asuka? Answer: The whole thing will parodied RoE 1.11 first, so no redhead babe, sorry. See? I've told you that the story will make no sense if i did the pairing.

* * *

Evangelion! From the Files of NERV Squad- _Surely_ you can (not) be serious

Alternate Title: Evangelion 1.23: I'm serious! _And_ you can (not) call me Shirley

"Um, Misato-san, where are we going again?"

"We're going to save the world, kid. Those darn angels finally come to this world, ready to end the world as we know it."

"Oh. I see."

The car just came out of the gate of the circus act, runned over one of the clown with unicycle. Ignored the asshole who just screamed 'asshole!' to her, Misato continued her little chats with Shinji.

"See the monster up there, Shinji? That thing's called angel. The third one, in fact. We just dropped two N2 bomb against it, and it barely even scratched him."

Shinji looked at behind him. An infamous stock footage of Godzilla used his super tail dropkick in his fight against Megalon popped out. It keep repeated itself until the next footage coming out.

"What happened to the first and second Angel?"

"The second one was trapped into Terminal Dogma, right below the Geofront. You can see it with me later, if that mopey thingy from your psychology card was true after all. You know, for motivational shit. The ticket only cost like 2 dollars, by the way. 10 dollars if you want the chance to poke it with a stick. The thing looks softer than marshmallow sometimes, so sometimes the visitor can't help it, and we can't just shoot them right at the moment."

"Oh..."

"And about the first one, Shinji? Only god who know."

A very large breeze suddenly come into the road where Shinji and Misato were, nearly wrecked the car and completely destroyed the little remains of the sushi bar that Misato just ran over. Meanwhile, Kaji shuddered and decided to go to the doctor, missing from the whole movie as a result. The imagination of him running a cult suddenly passed on his mind for no reason at all.

"I don't know if i'm the right person to do this, Misato..."Angsted Shinji, as the stock footage now gone, replaced with images of very swervy roads.

"Oh, come on, kid! Your father has chosen you to pilot the EVA! Isn't that great?"Misato reached for Shinji with her left arm, while her other arm reached for the dashboard. Amazingly, the car still not crashed into something yet despite the purple-haired's mayhem from the earlier, more normal entry of roads and building blocks.

"I'm only a civilian. I'm not even trained in sports and martial arts activity. I'm a wuss. I don't deserves this."

"But Shinji-"

"And we're late by four hours from our schedule, Misato."

Cue the flashback scene where Shinji waited in the taxi. The cab driver, who happened to be a man with ponytail, saw his former girlfriend in the front of the shelter, so he tried to catch off to her. We don't know on how he mistook a certain hallucination of a blue-haired albino girl as his former girlfriend, but it seems that he took a wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

"I'll give them twenty more minutes, but that's it."

Back to the present...

"And those four hours could be used for my preparations, like training for this EVA thing. Now how could i defeat that thing if i'm not even trained for it? Misato, i'm afraid to say it, but we're screwed."Said Shinji, before a gigantic screwdriver fall near them.

"I'm sorry for my lacks of professionalism, Shinji. It was my fault that we become late from our schedule. But your old man was right. You have the potential for it, and i believe every words he says. Why else would he chose you over thousands of other potential pilots?"

Shinji was still unconvinced, being an introverted man like he's. Then again, some people in Geofront claimed that he's a menace to even the ants out there, so maybe he's right. Then again and again, those people were phoned their aquintances with bananas, so it would be convenient to say that they were wrong about Shinji.

"You know, what? Forget about training and stuff like that, Shinji! I believe that you can handle this as soon as you get the giant robot into your feet. You are the prodigy!"Said Misato, as she began to take control of the wheel again after she finished her meal from the dashboard. Soon, she run over Liam Howlett, Maxim and Keith Flint who were reading Playboy magazine.

"I see what you mean, Misato."

"Good. I know that all you need, is motivation, kid."Said Misato, as the scenery behind them changed into battlefield of war between shoguns and indians. Shinji could've swore that the shoguns have a lightsaber battle with the indians, but that's not important right now.

Some silence took off between both of them for a moment or two, with several new victims from Misato's hit and run activity blended with the background war between Sith Shoguns and Jedi Indians, resulted in slicing of their limbs, making the status of the stock footage questionable at best. Again, Shinji could've swore that she just hit the earlier clown, and this time he yelled 'jackass!' to both of them instead. But being the ordinary boy he's, he decided to talk about the tragedy behind his life.

"Misato, i need to tell you something..."

* * *

"I was foolish...i was naive...and i want to know everything. It's just like using wasabi for your toothbrush without any knowledge about wasabi's taste in your nose. So when my father bought me the rabbit when i became seven years old kid, in my birthday, i gave it carrots. Heh. Who knows that carrot's actually not good for rabbit. It died within a week. I'm such a baka..."(A/N: True Story...although it was my sister's experience. Fuck you, Bugs Bunny!)

As Shinji told his tenth angst story, Misato already done three things. First, she declared that she picked the wrong day to quit Yebisu. Second, she doused gasolines over her body, and sprayed some of them on Shinji's mouth as well. Third, she searched desperately for matches, and failed in that. After that, she was trying desperately to make some sparks from the cables on her cars, which would've succeeded if it wasn't for the fact that they were already arrived at the NERV when she finally managed to make one.

Luckily, with the car not being handled by Misato, they managed to find their way into NERV without any other crash. Well...except at the end, where they knocked a fishing guy from the artificial bay when Misato didn't use the brake fast enough. For the third time, Shinji could've swear that the fishing guy sounds familiar with the earlier clown. His suspicion only arose as the guy screamed 'Fuck You!' to them. Misato answered by flipping a bird...literally. No one knew on how Misato had a bird in the dashboard for this occasion in the first place. But for Shinji, the important thing right now is to get into the fucking robot as soon as possible.

* * *

"Royal flush. I win again."

"Shit. You're too good at this, Rei the fifth."

"You're not bad actually, Rei the twentieth."

The Rei clones were having fun in their Reiquarium. These earlier two were just playing one of the available activity in their LCL filled tube. Four of them were reading lifestyle magazine, while the others in the corner were playing volleyball, and another two were playing chess. There's even some of them that were wearing MLG-related stuffs while playing in their PS4, Xbox One and PC. Ever since NERV decided to make waterproof clothing, magazines, games and electronic stuffs for their funding, the Rei clones got new purpose in their existance outside of just another life preservation for Rei, as play-tester for the stuffs they're going to sell.

 _This's better than hearing their creepy laugh over and over again. I don't understand at how soulless bodies seemed more happy than me, but now they're...reeducated, i can continue my imagination at Gendo-sempai, me and some honey and the bees without any distraction. Thank you, stranger from Chinese. Hmm..what's his name again? Tang...sun? Ah, whatever._

As Ritsuko's brain imagined those imagination of shaving together with Gendo, a call into the deep secret of NERV were made, which forced her to receive the call.

"Yes, it's Ritsuko...Misato got lost again, eh? Hmm...in sector-25? Okay. I'll pick her up there."

"Allright, girls! Please behave when i'm gone."

"Yes, mam!"Said all the reis, with the exception of some of them that busy perfected their parody of Salmon Dance from Chemical Brothers, entitled Cloning Dance. After all, Gendo needs a good explanation to his son once the current Rei dead and got replaced, and a good parody will make everything easier to digest for him. At worst, it will just make him even more confused.

"So, guys...do you think that...human having sex with us is equal with bestiality? I mean..."

"Nah. Our DNA are too similar. 99.89, remember? We're human after all."

"Oh. And...how much does Yui Ikari's DNA that got donated into us?"

"Dunno. 5 or 10%? All i know is that doing the younger Ikari's at worst felt like screwing your distant relative."

"Ah...so, you know what i'm talking about."

"Of course, the designated Rei III. We know that you're oggling at that cute wimp."

"Hei, Third."Said the other clone who was listening on them.

"I thought that you like your man like your coffee. Strong, sweet and hot?" She continued.

"Nah. I like them grinded and liquified."

Awkward silence coming out from the tank, including the Cloning choir, who just got into the line about percentages of Lilith and human's DNA in Rei's body in place for the salmon's ability to live in fresh and salt water. They just decided that the lines of living in normal water and LCL water is not making sense at all.

"Ah...so...you girls up for Shogi?"

* * *

"Misato..."

"Yes, kid?"

"Why we stopped here? And why's there a very big radar that said :Misato-pattern detected while bleeping and honking violently at us?"

"WHAT?"

Shinji just pointed at the radar, knew that his weak voice wouldn't be able to defeat the 200db sounds of honking alarms. Stupid weak me, said Shinji.

"Oh, that? Just wait."

After several moments of loud honks from all over the place, finally the faux-blonde scientist showed up.

"The new system work perfectly."Said the woman.

"This new system is an unecessary addition to the Geofront, Doctor Akagi."

"Which one, Misato? The one that detected a lost personel, or the one that detected lost Misato?"

"Mine. I don't want to endure yet another humiliation regarding my lacks of directional senses."

"Fine, we'll just incorporated it later. So, anyway, Shinji, the third child..."

"Yes?"

"Let's hurry up. Can't predict any shit that will going down now, are we?"

With that, a very big piece of shit fall behind them.

"Yes. We can't"

* * *

 **A/N** : Haha, sorry for the short chapter, but i just want to know if i can nailed the scenes right. Also, sorry for the recycled jokes from those spoof movies, but i want it to be a clusterfuck of references to spoof movies. Leave reviews for this chapter so i can improve it, please?

Also, sorry for the Reiquarium jokes that seemed out of place, but since they're still inhuman, i decided to have a bit of departure in their jokes compared to the other scenes.

By the way, here's the teaser for the next chapter.

Shinji was enthraled at the bandaged goddess who was standing in the front of the door. Her white, porcelaine like skin just made her beautiful face even more stunning. Her unusually colored eyes were striking as if they asked his soul to be sucked inside her. Her skintight suit only accentuated her shapely, smoking hot body with long legs, wide hips and all even further. He was locked in trance of his mind at her beauty, ignoring the fact that her legs have two sets of knee-caps for each legs, or that her body was indeed, produced smokes.

And then, the horror happened.

Some bastards with hospital bed runned over her, caused her to whimpering in pain. Shinji was shocked. Shinji was angry. Shinji was gasped.

"Sir! We can't find Ayanami anywhere! Oh! There she is."

"Oww..."

"My god. What did i tell you about running around the facility in this condition?"Said the doctor as he placed her in the bed with ferocious force, caused another moan from her.

"Nurse, raise her legs."

The nurse obliged, but her effort only made everything worse. The bandaged beauty got her legs support raised to the max, resulting in a loud gasp and a sound of crunching bones from her legs.

"Geez! Give me that, you incompetent fool! You should've been ashamed at your inability to operate such a simple device."

The doctor lowered Rei's leg support, only to caused it dropped to the lowest position in less than 0.05 second.

"Dammit! I knew we have to scheduled the bed condition checking first!"


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Evangelion and related stuffs, including Anno's wife, bicycle, depression, and his fairy tooth. Also, Q from James Bond and Star Trek are confirmed in EVA 4.0 to help Shinji prevent the fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, and ninth impact. And they're going to make the real Rei a robot ninja SDAT cannon.

How did i know all of it? Answer: My dog. He predicted that Zeruel's going to eat Rei, some OC will made Asuka irrelevant, and a black man will lead Americans, so i believe him. I killed him once he said that Donald Trump will...trumped Americans though, so sorry, i can't tell you any other kind of future in Rebuild that will happen.

For serious A/N: Reiquarium will become another source of jokes, but they're on the other kind of jokes. Instead of straight faced guys or pure loon, the inhibitants will become the source for Meta jokes. And they're going to interact with Shinji and Rei somehow.

PS: Anytime Reiquarium made an appearance, try to hum the Salmon Dance song.

* * *

"Hei, Rei the fifth!"

"What is it, Rei the ninth?"

"Don't you think that it's convenient for us, to have a low level of genetic similarities with Shinji's mom?"

"Well, kinda..."

"So...you think..."

"No, you silly! We're not in some kind of crappy fanfiction where people trying to fix our relationship with Shinji so our love would not become disgusting from incest subtext and all! I thought we already convinced you in that."

"Well...i guess..."

Meanwhile, in the background, several of Rei clones were playing football with dolphin, walrus, and a coconut. The coconut dribbled the whole Rei, thanks to some telepathy between round objects, before one of the Reis tackled it, caused it to crack from the impact. The Reis that were just finished their cloning dance chore then picked the coconut, and drank from it.

"LCL and coconut is a delicious combination." That's all they said.

* * *

 _I am scared beyond believe.  
_

"So Shinji, this is the ultimate fighting machine, the only hope for today, and what happened when you cloned Tinky Winky and upsized said clone 50 times. EVA Unit-01. Test type."

 _I knew it. I knew it all along. This shit's not even the production model. They really don't trust me for this mission to succeed. I knew that they don't expect a lot about me, but with this i know. I'm worthless... Also, is that a horn with panties on the EVA?_

"Is this what my father has been working on for years?"

 _That's all i can ask. I'm pitied myself too much to ask for anything else._

Meanwhile, a fish in the LCL tank just killed itself from Shinji's self-loathing. How did the fish drowned itself was not the most important question right now, as some of his friend were somehow slipped into Ritsuko's one piece, and the very drunk Misato somehow had the fish replaced her gun. Also, a somehow quiet familiar clown just slipped from stepping on the fish, made him cursed 'Fucking hell what God!' before his impending doom.

* * *

 _10 minutes ago_

Working in NERV is never a fun business.

Since SEELE were filled by Jew figures such as Woody Allen, Mel Brooks, Skroob McMahon, Banana Banner, Pizza the Hut, and leaded by William Shatner, this most secretive organization in earth were not only infamous for being bunches of cheapskates, but also some of the cruellest pranker. Instead of getting their fund from the SEELE, they forced them to gain their funds from everywhere else, from merchandising to researching, which resulted in the now alive and colorful Reiquarium as well as the death of their dogs. What's made it worse is that they had some of the maddest idea in history, such as turned the whole Geofront into some kind of cult meetings and promotions place, or launched rumors that in one of the EVAs, there was the soul of Yui Ikari.

Gendo was not amused.

"Excuse me sir. Would you like some flowers?"

Gendo and Fuyutsuki ignored him. They're in hurry for meeting the Third Child, after all.

"Some love juices?"

Gendo dismissed him.

"Some chinese seals for resting the dead?" Said a man, with animal seals and a member of SEELE chained to his hand. Somehow, a jew in China did existed.

Gendo had enough.

THUD!

"Ghostbusters service?"

SMACK!

"Kurosagi Corpse delivery-"

DOAR! CRACK!

Fuyutsuki also had enough.

"Underworld Detective?"

SLAM! JAM!

"Danny Phantom's soul extraction method? It's free."

DOAR! BANG!

"Soul society service?"

WHAM!

"How about Kekkaishi's?"

Thud! Whack!

"EVAs for Jesus?"

BLAM! CLAM!

"Mrystery Mrachine rervice?"

ROAR! GAAR!

"Read about Gendo's need?"

WHAM! BLAM!

"Petition for Ayanami's new residence?"

GLAM! BAM!

"Petition for Asuka's appearance in this movie?"

CRACK! DARN!

"Casper the friendly ghost at your service, sir."

3DEEEEEE! BLAM!

After all that slamming and bumming, they finally went to meet the spineless wimp that's named Shinji Ikari. Of course he's spineless. Gendo used his spine for EVA-00's backbone operation 6 years ago. Filthy bastards didn't know that EVA-00 hated anyone named Ikari and Hikari since the soul was got tricked into married Hikari Horaki and Horaki Ikari. No wonder it went berserk all the time. It can't escape from something named Ikari for eternity as it was part of her now.

Luckily, they made it in time to answer Shinji's question.

"Correct. It's been a long time, son."

Shinji took a look at his father. He wore a glove at his left hand, and for some reasons, he kept slamming it on the desk all the time before he talks again.

"Father..."

"Listen to me, son. You have to ride your mom-i mean, pilot the EVA to fight the angel." Gendo then slammed his left hand again.

"This giant thing?"

"It's obvious, son. Misato has told you about it, hasn't she?"

"Well, yeah, but...i don't have any kind of training, dad!"

"It's all doesn't matter, son. You are the prodigy."

In the background, the prodigy trio were slammed by the Third Angel, who now took the form of Michelin Man. Now, he fought another giant being called Stay Puft Marshmallow man. The NERV still argued about designating the Marshmallow man as the Fourth Angel, or whether this was just one of the Third Angel's manisfestation.

"Rei needed seven months of training to be able to ride the EVA, but you're natural, my nigga-i mean, my son." Said Gendo, as again, he slammed his hand.

"But i'm a spineless wimp, dad! I don't even have a spine, literally! I donated it when my rabbit died!"

"But the other pilot is injured, and she-"

"It's okay, Commander. I can pilot it."

Suddenly, a girl with bandages all over her torso entered the room. She stood near the door frame, with her hips touched one of the side, while her elbow supported the other one.

 _Shinji's mindscape._

 _(cue the scene of the Camera rolling over Rei's body from feet to her head)_

 _I can't believe what i see and heard right now._

 _There is standing, this girl, around my age, blue haired, with a skin like porcelain. Albino white, as you can see from her red eyes, and yet she looked healthy. Hell, she looked better with her unique pigmentation for her body. All i can say...she's an exotic girl.  
_

 _And i could say that i just went to heaven, for this bandage babe just offered her body for my use.  
_

 _No. I'm not imagining thing. She did offered her body and soul...in some way. Yeah. She did._

 _Ehm. Let's change the subject a bit._

 _And this said babe? She's a total package._

 _If i said jackpot, then the whole coin should be coated with diamonds. If i said bingo, i would automatically win the next ten games._

 _My friend, she's just that beautiful. Like an angel fell from the sky._ _If she wants me to check at the number of her figure, i would say that they're...well rounded._

 _Also, did i just saw two set pair of knees from her? Is her legs really that long?  
_

"Pilot Ayanami reporting for duty, sir."

"Rei...you're not fully healthy yet."

"But i'm close to it. Thanks to my origin and the LCL, i can heal faster than the others, sir."

"Origin? What do you mean?"Asked Shinji.

"Well, Pilot Ikari, you see-"

It was unfortunate moment for Rei, as a gourney with several doctors and nurses just hit her from behind.

"What the.."

"Commander Ikari! We couldn't find the First Child anywhere!"

"Oww..."Rei moaned. It made Shinji cringed...and turned Ritsuko on.

"Oh, there you are! Man, you looked worse than before. I've told you to not wandering around Geofront here. You could've been mobbed by crazy people, like Jehovah's Scientology, or Muslim for Jews!"

"Um, doctor..."

"Relax, Commander Ikari. Everything's under control."

The doctor then dropped Rei into the gurney, caused some of her moans came out from her mouth again.

Shinji couldn't chose between having a bulge in his pants or a sympathy for her. But Ritsuko already did.

"Okay. Nurse Kurosaki, lift her leg."

"Roger."

She did it...with unecessary force. Or rather, the bed she adjusted for some reasons was so sensitive, it immediately risen up to the maximum leverage, gave Rei yet another unecessary pain.

"Oh, Jesus!"

"Lower her back! Now!"

The bed's leg position then got lowered...to the minimum leverage.

"Oh, can't you bloody fools do anything right!"

The doctor snatched the control from his nurse.

"This, is how you do it."

"NO! Don't push that button!"

Too late. The bed snapped and sandwiched Rei with itself with such a force for a second before it returned to normal position. Yet another unecessary pain for Rei, and she may cracked a rib and spine or two. Poor girl.

"AAAARGH! Oh god. oh, god!"

Everyone could do nothing but cringed from this drama of Rei and her struggle with the hospital bed. Oh, the humanity!

"...Okay. Who's on the maintenance for this bed?"

No one answered.

"...I need to take a cold bath...And a shower or two." Ritsuko said. She panted badly like Rei for some reasons.

"Allright. Recalibrate Unit 01 for the First Child."The Commander said.

"WHAT?"

"The spare is useless. We have no other option."

"But i haven't said anything about it, dad!"

"Third Child, Rei Ayanami is disposable. We have the spares for her. And if you are not man enough to fight with me, then you should run away, get your skiny ass into that door, and go away from the NERV, just like the coward you are."

Just before Shinji objected again, the roof collapsed.

"Look out!"

Shinji knocked Rei's gurney from the collapse spot...which resulted in her knocked out from her gurney, flipped her body into the railling and fell into her doom.

"AYANAMI!"

But lucky for them, Rei survived.

...And so did the clown from earlier. And for some reasons, Rei landed on him. Head first. With his own.

"AARGH! THAT'S IT! YOU ALL GOING TO DIE!"

"Wait, what did i do-Ow! ARGH! GYAAH!"

The clown was now beated Rei up with all his might. Everyone's eyes were focused into Rei.

And after a minute or so, the focus came back into the commander again. The sounds of the clown's fists and kicks, as well as Rei grunted were still audible to them. And his left hand was...bleeding?

"Forget anything i said, Shinji.I'm sorry about the...inconvenient moment here, but you see, it hurts me so much to see one of my pilot injured while the other one still objecting about his position. I'll make it clear for you. Here we go again."Gendo took a deep breath.

"So Shinji, will you enter the womb of your mother to fight an evil monster?"

"...What?"

"Fuyutsuki. Hammer it again."

And so, Fuyutsuki hammered Gendo's left hand again, resulted in high scowl of pain from him.

"Are you alright, sir?"

"...Again."

 _Shinji's mindscape._

 _Allright. Here we have the situation. On my left side, a familiar clown is beating Rei up. Oh. There's the security. Man, they're fast. And on the right side, my old man ordered his vice commander to beat his left hand with hammer for some reasons. Again. And again._

 _Okay. If i didn't do something, we're screwed._

"Okay. I'll pilot it."

* * *

"All position is clear!"

"Synch rate at 41.3 percents!"

"And the bunnies go wild!"

Everyone's eyes turned on Maya, before they focused on the launching of the EVA again.

"Okay, Shinji. We're going to launch you in thirty seconds."

"Oh. If the robot hurt, so do you. Good luck with it. And you need to take her to take a dump after this fight."

"And the prestine's going to be wonderful!" Said Maya, swinging her arms wildly.

Shinji then unleashed his madness mantra to calm him down.

 _I musn't run away! (run away...run away...run away...)  
_

 _I musn't run away! (run away...run away...run away...)_

 _I musn't run away! (run away...run away...run away...)_

 _I MUSN'T RUN AWAY! (run away...run away...run away...)_

 _Hello? (Hello...hello...hello...)_

 _Echo! (Echo...Echo...Echo...)_

 _Um, son? (Son...son...son...)_

 _Here's Kobe. Wayyy outside, OOOH! (OOOH...OOOH...OOOH...)_

Shinji could do nothing else but to forget everything about the other echos, even the one about Kobe Bryant's long three points, no matter how awesome it sounds.

"EVA, Launch!"

The catapult that contained the EVA worked successfully, which in proceed made King Kong mad and proceeded to threw it over the hedge.

Surprisingly, the EVA landed successfully. Then again, it flipped on the air for about 50 times, so body control is something that the EVA shouldn't worry about.

"Okay, Shinji. Blue pattern was detected 2km from here, 9 o'clock."

"O...okay, Misato. I'll get there as soon as i can."

After flipped over 20 times thanks to getting used to the EVA that unlike him, did had a spine, Shinji finally made his way into his fight with the angel. He was ready to kick ass and chew bubble gum, but he stepped on the gum. The angel took the form of...

A movie projector?

"Um, Captain?"

"Okay, Shinji. This is not what we expected-"

"The cow is uncooked! The vegetables are raw and white!"

Again, everybody's eyes were affixed on the short haired Lieutenant. Then, they focused on the screen again.

"Shinji, i want you to shut the proyector down."

"But what if this is a trap, Captain Katsuragi?"

"Just follow the order, Shinji." Said Misato, tired of his whiny bullshit.

"Okay, Misato! I mean, Captain!"

"Be careful, Shinji. That might be a trap."

Rolled his eyes slightly to react at Misato's command, Shinji then got closer to the projector. He turned it down. And it exploded, took the form of a cross beam.

"HOLY PRETENTIOUS SYMBOLISM, BATMAN!"

All eyes were affixed to someone again, but this time, it wasn't for Maya Ibuki's antics again. Rather, they gazed at the sight of one of Rei clone who wore Robin's costume.

Allthough the sight of Maya wore Batman's costume also interesting on it's own.

"Correct, Reibin. We must save the world from the devastation of uncooked animals and white dandelion's filthy communist vegetables! Quick, to the Batwindow!"

And then, they went through the window. Before she made it though, Reibin told the crew that they need to 'tone down some things so people would appreciate us more.' And so she went.

"Okay. We need some crew to get Shinji out of the EVA. Move out, people!"

 _Meanwhile, in the outer space_

"My movie..."

"Sachiel, you're under arrest for illegal movie premiere showing."

"Ah, fuck..."


End file.
